New Year... 2012 the start of a new beginning

Well it's been over a year since I last updated, and my last entry was my New Years resolution. So seems apt my first update is this years. It's been a mixed bag, full of heartache and pain & absolute joy. Sucides, deaths, hospital visits. Weddings, engagements, pregnancies, new births. Made new friends (and enemies) and grew a little wiser. Life is not simple, but it can be so bittersweet...

I have made progress from last years resolution, definitely been far more sociable, learned a little bit of guitar. Read more. Seen loads of bands and hate myself a lot less and I'm far less insecure... Sadly not started to draw, write (well some bursts of random poetry) or computer program again, but will try to procrastinate less and get on with that too. Driving, Languages & my health have fell well to the wayside, but an effort will be made to step up in that regard also.

The big thing for me this year is love and relationships. I have pretty well much always been alone every Christmas and New Years. Taking stock and going over all the years, of my time on this mortal coil, I'm used to it by now. Still doesn't make it any easier. There was a girl, my muse (my annual unrequited crush). I romanticised the 'idea' of her and imagined that she really could have been the one, this time. But reality is always a fickle mistress. There was a one moment when I was waiting for her outside the girls toilets, the door opened for a second, she looked up at me. We were both drunk (& it takes a LOT to get me drunk) and she looked so hurt and just looked through me, almost like I was nothing. I could of died on that spot, I would have given anything to take all her pain, screw it into a ball and throw it away. But feelings are not made of paper and life is not that simple. I wear my heart on my sleeve, 'pretend' to have a thick skin. But she got under it and left a scar...

What made that moment even worse was how I spend New Years Eve on 1999. At the turn of midnight when 2000 was upon us, I was waiting for another girl outside the toilets, yet another girl that never would be mine. Curse my scary memory, we learn through association. I was a man of 30 and a teenager of 18 again at the same time.

All I can do is learn and adapt, grow wiser from my experience. That's the gist of my resolution. Carry on what I'm doing but, be more careful. I always give advice and try to fix other peoples problems. Time I started to do the same for myself. Take my own advice and be more aloof...

I was going to disappear for a few months. I do that a lot, but someone needed my advice today. Made me see that I'm just being foolish... Time to face up to things in the big bad world, not fallback to my comfortable, little self contained bubble. I'll still be around, I might smile less & be more serious this time. But hey I'm not a child anymore, time to act like it.

"He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life."
- Muhammad Ali